The Deep End

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Yet another T-storm...

..::..Inhale..::..

Can you smell the rain?? I caught the first scent about an hour ago. I decided to walk down to the grocery store as soon as I awoke. Not really because i was feeling that energetic and determined to do something productive the moment i opened my eyes, but because the B-cat was harrassing me for food and alas i had none to give him.

I'd been feeding them tuna for the past 3 days since I was being x-tra lay-zee and didnt want to move my ass out of the house and go to the store. Today i ran out of tuna so i HAD to go. Ahhh the life of a procrastinator. So before i fully wiped the sleep from my eyes i ventured out into the sun-dappled world and i smelled the rain.

There is a small bridge which runs over a creek there, and whenever i walk in that direction i always take a moment to look down and listen to the sound of the rushing water dancing over the rockbed. Today was no different. I paused to appreciate the beauty of it all when i smelled the rain. At first i thought maybe it was just the creek, but upon further deep inhalations i deduced that we would be getting a storm shortly. Capping my hand over my eyes i peered into the sky looking left, then right searching for the ominous clouds that would surely confirm my suspicions. In each direction spanned out were the most beautiful clouds I'd seen in quite some time, but no rain clouds. I continued my journey and began to reminisce on my younger days when i believed clouds came from a factory somewhere at the edge of the sky. I remember driving once to Hershey Park with my mother, aunt, and cousins and we passed this huge building set off on the right side of Interstate 81. From a distance i could see billowing white "clouds" drifting up from the earth into the sky and i thought to myself ..::..The Cloud Factory!..::.. As we approached this building i became more and more certain that we had infact come upon the mysterious source of cloud creation and expected to see puffy men (likely in the shape of the Stay-Puft man or the tire guy) running all around this factory making sure the clouds did not run out. The mind of a child is a wonderful thing. I believe i was roughly 6 or 7 years old. As we came upon the place, i asked my mother if that was the cloud factory. She replied,. "That's only one of them. There are many cloud factories around the world." I love my mother. She has always inspired my imagination and never (if possible) shattered my fantasies. She often played along as in the cloud factory.

One word that always comes to mind when i think of my mother is: Effervescent
She bubbles. Always. I mean obviously there were times when she was sad, depressed, or pissy. That's a given as we are all prone to be affected by situations that suspend or change our natural personality. It's human nature. My mother makes me smile.

She had this mole on the bottom of her (right?) foot. It was dead center in the sole and she told me that when she was a girl she stepped on a raisin and it stuck to her foot and now it was there forever. That is just an example of the way(s) mom would inspire fantasy. She recently had the mole removed and i cried.

When i reached the grocery store, i stood for a moment, checking the sky again for storm clouds. Again nothing but baby blue and fluffy goodness. Now this market i normally do not patronize. Not that its a bad market, but its never been in my vincinity before. I have many memories of this market. My Grandparents always shopped here and i spent alot of time with my grandparents as a child. These are my Father's parents and i love them more than i could ever express. Anyway, the doorway of the market has not changed much over the years, and as the automatic door swung open i was punched with a scent straight out of my childhood. Memories again came flooding back to me. Seems today is a day of remembrence. Immediately i was a child skipping through the door ahead of my grandpop, we were coming to get supplies for a cookout. This market smells exactly the same as it did in 1982. That is amazing.

Once my mother and i shopped at this market and returned home to cook dinner. We were in the kitchen setting everything out on the table and i sat at my place. She began to serve the food and she scooped this huge helping of corn onto my plate and when i looked down i screamed! The corn was moving! Somehow, (don't ask me how) a worm had been smuggled inside the can of corn and was now heated up and in my dinner. We bought the corn at said market. I remember this everytime i pass this place. I remembered it as i pushed my cart through the aisles. I remembered alot of things in the hour that i was in the market. I remember standing in the shopping cart as my dad pushed me through the aisles and as we would turn into a new aisle i would distort my voice and say "Now entering the ______aisle." I remembered being with pop picking up buns and ground beef and then going to the beverage distributor and picking up cases of crystal club soda and genny. I remember standing at the end of the frozen food bins, watching my grandmother on the opposite end bag up icecream and frozen peas while i rested my chin on the cold metal and wondered what it would be like to live in Antartica. Mostly i was flooded with memories of my father. My heart was clenching, pausing a moment, then quickly returning to a steady beat. I love my father. I miss my father.

..::..crying..::..

Everyone tells me that over time it will be easier to remember and the emotion behind losing him will ebb. Everyone lies. It's not easier with time, its harder. Anytime anything is not going right with me, i want my father. Maybe i instantly think that is because i know its not possible and that adds to my misery, compounds it into more than is necessary. I just think its because he was always the only person who truly understood me. We are the same. There are things i want to ask him. There are times i want to smell him. I still pick up the phone to call him. I love my father. I miss my father.

I need to go....

Posted at 01:59 pm by phatgirlie
Lay It On Me! Extra Sticky

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

And so then....

I
forgot to post yesterday :( poop!

Actually i was busy making mini-screen friendly pages for my site visitors who haven't got enough common sense to adjust their screen resolutions to their monitor size. Ok, well i had to be told about it originally because yes i too was once comptarded. Yes, that is a word, my word. You can look it up in the Bitchtionary once i get the page put together and IF you have any decent suggestions for entries into it i suggest you email me with it. And you better stick some reference in the sub line or i won't open that shit.

Anyhow, back to the point. I often notice (and my partner in crime pointed it out as well) that the majority of the people viewing our pages have their screen rez set to 800x600!!

WHAT?!?!?

Ummmmm.....hello, its 200frickin4. The majority of the monitors made after say...1997...are big enough for you to set rez higher. Plus all the pages look so pretty :) This pisses me off almost as much as you Nettards (yet another word for my book) who are still on DIALUP!

..::..beep beep blip blip beep bop boop..::..shhhhhhhhhh..::..eerrrooooppp..::..

                   *You are now have the worlds shittiest connection*

That is my suggestion instead of "You've got mail"

So needless to say i spent a buttload of time yesterday doing things to make my site most enjoyable for the cavepeople. If you've stopped by here in the past few days you'll notice that i changed this as well.

I am a constant re-designer.

I recently moved and have been in the new place for just about a month and i've already re-arranged the living room and the office. So it makes perfect sense that in the 4 days that i've had this blog that its changed already. I have to admit the pink wasn't doing anything for me seeing as its the basis for the main page of my site i figured it would tie in nicely, but honestly i like variety in pages. They should compliment each other yes, but one color scheme for the entirety of a site gets rather boring. You could be telling me the most interesting stories on the planet, but if after my 3rd click on your site nothing pops at me i'm gonna leave...
B-O-R-I-N-G!

I was walking back home from the store (i broke down and bought cigarettes) and i thought of something really great to write about ..::..Sigh..::.. if i could only remember it now. Many years ago i started carrying around a pocket journal so that at times like those i could jot my idea down to remember later. Too bad i didnt have my purse with me. I have too many journals. If there is a standard of how many journals is too many that is. At last count there were something like 65+ including one that is buried with my father. Some are full of poetry, others ramblings, some have fears-dreams-shames, many have diet plans, most have tears. They've become as much a part of me as my flesh and bone, and i think without them i'd have a hard time appreciating who and what i am today.

...::..Storming now i'll be back later..::..

                                               ..::..It's Later..::...............

I wasted myself watching Matrix-Revolutions. Bleeeech what a waste of film and money. There were certain scenes i found semi-orgasmic other than that, they should've stopped after the first one and let us all fantasize the rest. I am, however, super-dooper double drooble mega hyperlicious about Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! ..::..w00t..::..

I am a huge i mean huge fan of the Potter books. They did a fabulous job on the movies so far (though Chamber is my least fav of the books). This movie looks like it will absolutely rock! Not to mention the fact that it is, in my opionion, the pivitol point in the series. Many things are revealed in this one, and we begin to see everything that Harry is capable of as well as Ron and Hermione.

When i never have babies i will read them Harry Potter everynight before bed.

Off to check the bank balance and find out how many dollars i don't have

~Your Royal Phatness~

Posted at 08:44 pm by phatgirlie
Lay It On Me! Extra Sticky

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Oui! Mes sous-vêtements dégouttent mouillé!!

Two words:

ETHAN EMBRY
yummmy!

Yes, those are the only two words that have been floating around my brain tonight. Just look at him! ------------->

FREEKIN DELICIOUS!

Yes, I am still boy crazy at my age. I cannot help it.

I LOVE BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are probably thinking..::..Boys?..::..
Well yeah, I do prefer men BUT i am feeling girlish tonight. Somewhat giggly with an unending supply of hyperfied attitude. So there you have it.

Why am i on an Ethan binge?

Simply put, i was forced to veg out in front of the twatbox (TV for those that don't know) and i was hot and heavy with HGTV, you know...Design on a dime, House Hunters, and all that is decor-related. Anywhooo, i happened upon ABC-Family (channel 44 for those in my viewing area) and was immediately sucked into a cheesy made for TV movie. I do believe i was only supposed to remain temporarily on that station as there was a commercial on the other. Soon i got all sorts of involved in the plot and i watched the damn thing only to find out (during a commercial break) that the next cheesy movie was to feature above mentioned stud.

Ahhhhhhhhhh....heaven.....i don't care that i am watching crappy TV as long as Ethan keeps filling my screen with those fine features and boyish laugh.

My first addiction with him was when he appeared in the movie Empire Records. At that point it was only a slight fluttering of the belly and i'm pretty sure i was still madly in lust with Eddie Vedder at that time. THEN i caught Can't Hardly Wait and that transformed it to full blown lust. I think its the laugh that gets me the most. It's infectious.

I want to lay in bed feeding him frozen grapes and just listen to him laugh as he lightly caresses my inner thigh. See i told you it was lust. I'm sure in time i could love him.

So having all things Ethan floating around me tonight i started thinking back on childhood crushes with superstars and how all my friends and i would buy crap like Teen Beat and scotch tape the bonus centerfolds of the latest hunks all over our rooms.

..::..Yes i am dating myself..::..I don't care either!

I remember getting so involved with these crushes that i would over-fantasize about meeting this person and they would see me and instantly fall madly and deeply in love with me and we would buy a pony and an island and live happily ever after....there were even moments that i can recall crying as i laid in bed wishing for these fantasies to come true.

..::..I am laughing at myself now..::..

It's the honest truth though, all these memories are flooding back now. I never even cried over an attainable crush in the way that i would for my superstar du jour. Maybe its just because sub-consiously i knew i would never achieve the status of:

IN LOVE WITH A SUPERSTAR AND HE'S ALL MINE

hmmmm yeah that must've been it. Seems we always ache more for the things we cannot have rather than rejoicing in those that we do have.

I am going to ponder that one for a bit.....