..::..Inhale..::..
Can you smell the rain?? I caught the first scent about an hour ago. I decided to walk down to the grocery store as soon as I awoke. Not really because i was feeling that energetic and determined to do something productive the moment i opened my eyes, but because the B-cat was harrassing me for food and alas i had none to give him.
I'd been feeding them tuna for the past 3 days since I was being x-tra lay-zee and didnt want to move my ass out of the house and go to the store. Today i ran out of tuna so i HAD to go. Ahhh the life of a procrastinator. So before i fully wiped the sleep from my eyes i ventured out into the sun-dappled world and i smelled the rain.
There is a small bridge which runs over a creek there, and whenever i walk in that direction i always take a moment to look down and listen to the sound of the rushing water dancing over the rockbed. Today was no different. I paused to appreciate the beauty of it all when i smelled the rain. At first i thought maybe it was just the creek, but upon further deep inhalations i deduced that we would be getting a storm shortly. Capping my hand over my eyes i peered into the sky looking left, then right searching for the ominous clouds that would surely confirm my suspicions. In each direction spanned out were the most beautiful clouds I'd seen in quite some time, but no rain clouds. I continued my journey and began to reminisce on my younger days when i believed clouds came from a factory somewhere at the edge of the sky. I remember driving once to Hershey Park with my mother, aunt, and cousins and we passed this huge building set off on the right side of Interstate 81. From a distance i could see billowing white "clouds" drifting up from the earth into the sky and i thought to myself ..::..The Cloud Factory!..::.. As we approached this building i became more and more certain that we had infact come upon the mysterious source of cloud creation and expected to see puffy men (likely in the shape of the Stay-Puft man or the tire guy) running all around this factory making sure the clouds did not run out. The mind of a child is a wonderful thing. I believe i was roughly 6 or 7 years old. As we came upon the place, i asked my mother if that was the cloud factory. She replied,. "That's only one of them. There are many cloud factories around the world." I love my mother. She has always inspired my imagination and never (if possible) shattered my fantasies. She often played along as in the cloud factory.
One word that always comes to mind when i think of my mother is: Effervescent
She bubbles. Always. I mean obviously there were times when she was sad, depressed, or pissy. That's a given as we are all prone to be affected by situations that suspend or change our natural personality. It's human nature. My mother makes me smile.
She had this mole on the bottom of her (right?) foot. It was dead center in the sole and she told me that when she was a girl she stepped on a raisin and it stuck to her foot and now it was there forever. That is just an example of the way(s) mom would inspire fantasy. She recently had the mole removed and i cried.
When i reached the grocery store, i stood for a moment, checking the sky again for storm clouds. Again nothing but baby blue and fluffy goodness. Now this market i normally do not patronize. Not that its a bad market, but its never been in my vincinity before. I have many memories of this market. My Grandparents always shopped here and i spent alot of time with my grandparents as a child. These are my Father's parents and i love them more than i could ever express. Anyway, the doorway of the market has not changed much over the years, and as the automatic door swung open i was punched with a scent straight out of my childhood. Memories again came flooding back to me. Seems today is a day of remembrence. Immediately i was a child skipping through the door ahead of my grandpop, we were coming to get supplies for a cookout. This market smells exactly the same as it did in 1982. That is amazing.
Once my mother and i shopped at this market and returned home to cook dinner. We were in the kitchen setting everything out on the table and i sat at my place. She began to serve the food and she scooped this huge helping of corn onto my plate and when i looked down i screamed! The corn was moving! Somehow, (don't ask me how) a worm had been smuggled inside the can of corn and was now heated up and in my dinner. We bought the corn at said market. I remember this everytime i pass this place. I remembered it as i pushed my cart through the aisles. I remembered alot of things in the hour that i was in the market. I remember standing in the shopping cart as my dad pushed me through the aisles and as we would turn into a new aisle i would distort my voice and say "Now entering the ______aisle." I remembered being with pop picking up buns and ground beef and then going to the beverage distributor and picking up cases of crystal club soda and genny. I remember standing at the end of the frozen food bins, watching my grandmother on the opposite end bag up icecream and frozen peas while i rested my chin on the cold metal and wondered what it would be like to live in Antartica. Mostly i was flooded with memories of my father. My heart was clenching, pausing a moment, then quickly returning to a steady beat. I love my father. I miss my father.
..::..crying..::..
Everyone tells me that over time it will be easier to remember and the emotion behind losing him will ebb. Everyone lies. It's not easier with time, its harder. Anytime anything is not going right with me, i want my father. Maybe i instantly think that is because i know its not possible and that adds to my misery, compounds it into more than is necessary. I just think its because he was always the only person who truly understood me. We are the same. There are things i want to ask him. There are times i want to smell him. I still pick up the phone to call him. I love my father. I miss my father.
I need to go.... |
